The World is Sick

Semper Vincit

Well, this is remarkably familiar. It’s two in the morning. I should be asleep, only I’m not. And this time it’s not because I stayed up to kill mutants, explore the universe, or expand my knowledge. No, I simply could not fall asleep.

I am dreadfully tired. Yet I lay in bed for two hours, restless. I’m not even bothered by anything. Nothing that I can place a finger on, that is. So here I am, to ramble on about entirely unrelated things until my eyes scream in anguish.

The last time I did this was back in secondary school, if I recall correctly. Back then, I had a lot of sleep issues. My entire secondary four year was plagued with nights where my most distinct thoughts were “If I fall asleep now, I’ll have seven hours to sleep… if I fall asleep now, I’ll have six hours of sleep… five hours. Four.” Usually, I’d drift off by about three in the morning. Of course, at dawn I’d wake up with a murderous look and murderous intents.

The word that sticks out the most from those times is “bored”. I was bored during the holidays. I was bored while procrastinating from doing maths revision papers. I was bored during that agonising period after the preliminary exams. Then I was bored some more during the O’ level period, and immediately after. This is not to say that I didn’t have any fun- those were the best years of my life- but the boredom just stands out a lot in my mind.

Lately, I have been feeling that same mind-numbing ennui. My intellect has grown stagnant. I no longer feel the urge to learn and discover as I once did. My command of the English language seems to have loosened. I find myself using the thesaurus a lot more than I’d like to. Reading novels makes me feel so aware of my limited vocabulary. This is quite disconcerting.

Semper vincit. Always conquer. This will not stand. I won’t allow it. There must be something I can do. Hopefully, my current state is simply the result of disuse. It really has been a while since I have dealt with any proper challenge. Memory work really does not count. It is annoying, and unless about an interesting topic, just tedious.

When did I last solve a puzzle? When was the last time I accomplished something satisfactory? Probably not too long ago, but my damaged psyche isn’t letting me see it. Thus I shall-probably needlessly- assign myself some monumental(or not so) task, just to get my mind working again. I’m too young to be stupid.

There is nothing scarier to me.